if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
