ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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