Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
