stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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