I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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