So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
