I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
