Your face is a jimmy john
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
