Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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