Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
