your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Randomize
