where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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