I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize