You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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