Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
