we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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