there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
