The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Couch. On fire.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
