It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
