Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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