xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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