i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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