Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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