every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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