i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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