I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
