Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
