Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
