need another drink. this is the easiest way
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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