so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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