My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
