I'm going to jail i love you
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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