Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
