Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
