I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he thought i was a dude.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
