Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
