I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
