im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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