I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
