I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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