I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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