On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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