Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
