Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
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Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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