All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm lost and stupid without you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
