She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
