Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
