Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I am naked and annoyed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
