oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
