Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
