Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
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