why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i love accidental penises.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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