Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
