the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
