Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
